On a Positive Note...

I have come to realize two things : I am where I am at the moment for a purpose. Whatever it is, I am not sure at the moment. However, I am not going to waste my time analyzing on what could that purpose be. Instead, I will live this moment. Then the purpose will unfold on its own :)

A series on instances made me realize that sometimes, I don't need to over-analyze things because, first, I tend to push for an answer to every question that pops into my head. In effect, I focus on my anxieties, fear, desires (granted or not). Second, I miss that opportunity of simply living " in the present". Meaning, just going with the flow, no complications, no pressures, just living and enjoying every minute of it. Allowing myself to live my life happily takes away all the negative feelings that I have. Hence, I am able to bring out the best in me. In loving others as I love myself, in giving and sharing  and in being a compassionate being.

Second,  I am "the boss" of my own life. I can do whatever I want (in a good sense--meaning not hurting anybody:) ) and be happy with it. I will no longer let anyone tell me how to live MY life. Thank God for his continuous guidance and care that I am still able to make good and fair decisions. I am never perfect. Yes I make mistakes but how else will I be able to learn if I will not take chances and live my life without fear? I need to make those "knee-shaking" decisions. Need to challenge the "what-ifs". Need to get out of my box and my comfort zone.. I need to live my life BIG time! :)

So, everything for now is good. I know that life is a series of ups and downs, but I still want to think that everything for now and in the future is good :) All of us have our whole lifetime to improve ourselves. That is definitely one good thing about LIFE---everyday is a chance for us to make things better, to make ourselves better and to live our lives the best way we can ;)

i hope you're reading this right now...

I miss you....
I hope you'll feel better...
I hope to see you in the morning when I wake up, or to hear you laugh before going to bed
I hope to feel your warm embrace and soft kisses
I hope to touch your face and feel your hand in mine
I hope to hear you talk--not over the phone but here beside me
I hope to eat a hearty breakfast with you or to have those long road trips together
I hope to see the world at night with you
I hope to share a bottle or two of beer and listen to all our favorite songs
I hope to dream that you and I are finally together
I miss you...and I miss us....

A Better Version of Myself...

We all go through a period of being so clueless with ourselves--our wants, our desires, the things and people that and who will make us happy. Everything seems so blurred.

Somehow, everything inside us becomes so full that we could not take hold of it any longer. We are good at pretensions, at making ourselves look so bubbly and happy when what we feel inside is deep sadness. When this happens, the people around us suffer because we choose to deal with it alone. We isolate ourselves. We choose to show them the worst side of us.

I have been showing the worst in me for as long as I can remember. Frankly, I am quite disgusted with myself. I have been through this a lot--and I mean A LOT of times and the mere thought makes me puke. I never thought I would give up on myself--- in believing that I could definitely do better than this. Actually, I almost did :( it was a series of struggles and sleepless nights. A question of what I want, what I need, what really makes me happy inside, what pisses me off....and boy it was hard!

They say that a lesson will keep repeating itself until you learn. I guess I am not learning because everything is just a repeat of what happened over months and years ago... I should be able to stand and face every challenge like I have not been hurt before. Love like I never cried before. I know that it is always easier said than done but I choose to say it to myself everyday like a mantra to make it happen. I choose the hard way but with deep faith that I am going to get through this. I miss the better version of  myself. That fun-loving, free-spirited girl. I miss her--- and I WILL get her back....

In my heart I pray that it will be just in time.... :)

Going Home to an Empty Flat

I came home later than usual today. I had to buy dinner before going straight home. My two flatmates were on their own tonight, so I was told. So as I opened the front door, darkness welcomed me with open arms.

Suddenly, I felt that old "homesick" feeling once more. I miss the sound of my family! The sound of our neighborhood :)

As I entered and closed the door behind me, the urgency of an early dinner so I could immediately lay to bed rushed through me. That way, I would not have the time to think---and I would not have the time to be lonely...