We all go through a period of being so clueless with ourselves--our wants, our desires, the things and people that and who will make us happy. Everything seems so blurred.
Somehow, everything inside us becomes so full that we could not take hold of it any longer. We are good at pretensions, at making ourselves look so bubbly and happy when what we feel inside is deep sadness. When this happens, the people around us suffer because we choose to deal with it alone. We isolate ourselves. We choose to show them the worst side of us.
I have been showing the worst in me for as long as I can remember. Frankly, I am quite disgusted with myself. I have been through this a lot--and I mean A LOT of times and the mere thought makes me puke. I never thought I would give up on myself--- in believing that I could definitely do better than this. Actually, I almost did :( it was a series of struggles and sleepless nights. A question of what I want, what I need, what really makes me happy inside, what pisses me off....and boy it was hard!
They say that a lesson will keep repeating itself until you learn. I guess I am not learning because everything is just a repeat of what happened over months and years ago... I should be able to stand and face every challenge like I have not been hurt before. Love like I never cried before. I know that it is always easier said than done but I choose to say it to myself everyday like a mantra to make it happen. I choose the hard way but with deep faith that I am going to get through this. I miss the better version of myself. That fun-loving, free-spirited girl. I miss her--- and I WILL get her back....
In my heart I pray that it will be just in time.... :)
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