In Love for 36 Months

Dear Honey,

I can still remember that old feeling I had when I was told that you were looking for me during that company outing 3 years ago....that surprised...clueless feeling....and to be honest, i loved that feeling (only realized it after a couple of months)...i never knew then how much that initial feeling would bring so much impact in my life.. i never thought how an "unexpected" love would be this happy and exciting...

We've been through a lot....and I'm just so thankful and happy for everything that we have gone through - good and bad- every experience that we had together has given me so much learning and wisdom....it allowed me to mature and love life even more...

I know I may have judged you wrongly in the past, said things that hurt you, brought so much pain in your heart, and for all of these, I am sincerely sorry... I sometimes do the most stupid things and say the most unfair words...and I'm just thankful for each new day because it would mean another day of making up for all my shortcomings... it would mean another day of loving you :)

Thank you for always being a friend, for saying the right things when I am disappointed with life or with other people, for making me laugh when I tend to be so serious, for being strong when I'm weak, for holding my hand when I'm lost, for making me happy when I'm sad, for being honest when I'm harsh, for teaching me a lot of things, for being so patient and forgiving.. and most especially for being true... :))

I've been in love with you for 36 months and I'm still counting for more.. :)

I am very thankful and blessed for having you :) I never thought that I could be this happy, and I have you to thank for.

Happy Anniversary honey! I love you! ...always have...always will :) 

On a Positive Note...

I have come to realize two things : I am where I am at the moment for a purpose. Whatever it is, I am not sure at the moment. However, I am not going to waste my time analyzing on what could that purpose be. Instead, I will live this moment. Then the purpose will unfold on its own :)

A series on instances made me realize that sometimes, I don't need to over-analyze things because, first, I tend to push for an answer to every question that pops into my head. In effect, I focus on my anxieties, fear, desires (granted or not). Second, I miss that opportunity of simply living " in the present". Meaning, just going with the flow, no complications, no pressures, just living and enjoying every minute of it. Allowing myself to live my life happily takes away all the negative feelings that I have. Hence, I am able to bring out the best in me. In loving others as I love myself, in giving and sharing  and in being a compassionate being.

Second,  I am "the boss" of my own life. I can do whatever I want (in a good sense--meaning not hurting anybody:) ) and be happy with it. I will no longer let anyone tell me how to live MY life. Thank God for his continuous guidance and care that I am still able to make good and fair decisions. I am never perfect. Yes I make mistakes but how else will I be able to learn if I will not take chances and live my life without fear? I need to make those "knee-shaking" decisions. Need to challenge the "what-ifs". Need to get out of my box and my comfort zone.. I need to live my life BIG time! :)

So, everything for now is good. I know that life is a series of ups and downs, but I still want to think that everything for now and in the future is good :) All of us have our whole lifetime to improve ourselves. That is definitely one good thing about LIFE---everyday is a chance for us to make things better, to make ourselves better and to live our lives the best way we can ;)

i hope you're reading this right now...

I miss you....
I hope you'll feel better...
I hope to see you in the morning when I wake up, or to hear you laugh before going to bed
I hope to feel your warm embrace and soft kisses
I hope to touch your face and feel your hand in mine
I hope to hear you talk--not over the phone but here beside me
I hope to eat a hearty breakfast with you or to have those long road trips together
I hope to see the world at night with you
I hope to share a bottle or two of beer and listen to all our favorite songs
I hope to dream that you and I are finally together
I miss you...and I miss us....

A Better Version of Myself...

We all go through a period of being so clueless with ourselves--our wants, our desires, the things and people that and who will make us happy. Everything seems so blurred.

Somehow, everything inside us becomes so full that we could not take hold of it any longer. We are good at pretensions, at making ourselves look so bubbly and happy when what we feel inside is deep sadness. When this happens, the people around us suffer because we choose to deal with it alone. We isolate ourselves. We choose to show them the worst side of us.

I have been showing the worst in me for as long as I can remember. Frankly, I am quite disgusted with myself. I have been through this a lot--and I mean A LOT of times and the mere thought makes me puke. I never thought I would give up on myself--- in believing that I could definitely do better than this. Actually, I almost did :( it was a series of struggles and sleepless nights. A question of what I want, what I need, what really makes me happy inside, what pisses me off....and boy it was hard!

They say that a lesson will keep repeating itself until you learn. I guess I am not learning because everything is just a repeat of what happened over months and years ago... I should be able to stand and face every challenge like I have not been hurt before. Love like I never cried before. I know that it is always easier said than done but I choose to say it to myself everyday like a mantra to make it happen. I choose the hard way but with deep faith that I am going to get through this. I miss the better version of  myself. That fun-loving, free-spirited girl. I miss her--- and I WILL get her back....

In my heart I pray that it will be just in time.... :)

Going Home to an Empty Flat

I came home later than usual today. I had to buy dinner before going straight home. My two flatmates were on their own tonight, so I was told. So as I opened the front door, darkness welcomed me with open arms.

Suddenly, I felt that old "homesick" feeling once more. I miss the sound of my family! The sound of our neighborhood :)

As I entered and closed the door behind me, the urgency of an early dinner so I could immediately lay to bed rushed through me. That way, I would not have the time to think---and I would not have the time to be lonely...

Happy Sunday ...

I'm clueless on what to write today...
clueless on what to do later...
clueless on what movie to watch...
clueless on what to wear on Monday (I've ran out of summer clothes!!..too bad...)..
clueless on what meals to prepare for next week....

There is only one thing I am sure of at the moment: I am definitely looking forward to a lazy Sunday :) that's it.. A worry-free Sunday :) just a day of lying and bumming around...junk food everywhere..a turned-off alarm and that i-don't-care-if-i-look-like-s**t- attitude...

Thank God for Sundays!!

Duwag ka ba sa pag-ibig?

Matapang ka ba sa ibang bagay pwera sa pag-ibig?

Ikaw ba yun tipong kunwari masaya, tawa ng tawa o kaya patawa ng patawa sa iba pero pag mag-isa na eh lumalabas na lahat ng nakatagong lungkot sa puso?

Nagdalawang isip ka na ba kung gagawin mo ang isang bagay o hindi...yun tipong, naiipit ka sa isang bagay na pwedeng makapagpasaya sayo pero pwede din makasakit sayo?

Natakot ka bang subukan ang isang bagay kasi baka maulit ulit yun dati?

Kung puro oo ang sagot mo sa mga tanong ko, malamang oo din ang sagot mo sa tanong ko sa title ng blog na 'to...

Eh bakit nga naman kasi hindi? Nakakatakot naman talaga ang magmahal. Kasi sabi nga nila, pag nagmahal ka, hindi pwede na hindi ka masasaktan...

Pero iba iba naman kasi ang klase ng sakit. Meron sakit na pag tinulog mo, kinabukasan hindi na ganun kasakit...meron naman na taon bago mawala...may mababaw...may malalim....

Ano nga ba talaga dapat? ang matakot na lang magmahal o sumubok ulit kahit pa masaktan? Kung ako yun tatanungin, kahit iyakin at sobrang balat-sibuyas ako, pipiliin ko pa din yun pangalawa....bakit?

...kasi masarap magmahal...masarap mahalin...masarap magbahagi ng sarili mo sa isang tao, masarap mag alaga, masarap pag may nag aalaga sayo.

...kasi hindi mo malalaman hanggat hindi mo sinusubukan...parang sugal...kelangan may itaya ka, bago mo mapanalunan ang premyo....

...kasi hindi nakadepende ang buhay mo sa nakaraan...kelangan mo bigyan ng pagkakataon ang sarili mo na maging masaya, kahit gano ka nasaktan noon...iba pa din ang bukas sa kahapon..

Dati duwag din ako sa pag-ibig. Siguro lahat ng tao, duwag naman talaga sa pag-ibig. Pero ang sabi nga nila..."true love is worth all the pain, the long wait and it conquers all, including fear"...ayan, ingles na at mahirap i-transalate sa tagalog :)

Sorry seems to be the hardest word..

I just recently reconciled with a friend. It has been almost two years before I have finally realized that I was really sincerely sorry for what happened. It was a long story..

Realizations flowed through my mind...things which I have never thought of before...And suddenly, I found myself crying and wanting to say sorry...for the first time since it happened, I felt ashamed of myself....for allowing pride and anger to control me...

So when I finally had the courage to tell her, I apologized for everything that happened. It was never easy, but it was definitely worth it.. :) and the best part...she doesn't hold grudges, so I was instantly (and i would say sincerely) forgiven :)

Domesticated

I'm cooking dinner while doing the laundry...while writing this blog...talk about multi-tasking..It isn't easy but i have no choice, because nobody else would do it for me...(i miss my mother more ..;p)

The moment I come home after work, the first thing that I would do is defrost...i have gotten used to preparing my own dinner, aside from the fact that it is much cheaper, now is my only chance to learn how to cook, and the best part is, no one is obliged to eat it--but myself...fair enough ;) there's not much pressure...

Then, if my hamper says "i'm full", i would have to do the laundry at the same time (so I could sleep just in time). Washing the dishes and taking the trash out come in third and fourth respectively..

It's very tiring--the chores and stuff...but hey, this is all part of being independent--which i intend to enjoy at the moment..plus the fact that i'm being more responsible (i would like to think that I am..haha) each day.

So, right now I am embracing domesticity. To say that I am enjoying it is an overstatement. But I am getting the hang of it ;p

First Timer

I am never good at anything except writing. I'm a lousy dancer, bad singer and a frustrated artist. Never realized my passion for this until HS when I would rather join the essay writing contest instead of Science or Math or any other subject.

When my very good friend Chellee told me about her latest passion, I decided, why not give it a try. I needed an outlet anyway. So here I am, seated on my mattress, writing my very first blog. I haven't thought of anything yet except that I am looking forward to creating blogs--meaningful or not, formal or laid-back, inspirational or rebellious.. Really, it's the variety that excites me. I've found a way to release whatever is inside.. :) i am going to love this :)

so there, i've written my first... looking forward to having my second... :)